Wednesday, February 15, 2006

More St.Valentine's....and LDB's

You have to be an insane person, or seriously lazy, to go out for dinner on SAINT Valentine's Day. The restaurants are packed with rookies.....which means low tips, therefore crappy service, and a miserable time promised for all.

My last venture: I was so blinded by love that I bought Biwa pearl earrings and made reservations at a little dinner place in Carmel. They were so busy they ignored us for 40 minutes....blood sugar plunged, tempers flashed.....and I wound up dragging the waiter to the table by his tie and testing the resilience of his skin with my steak knife. Not quite as romantic as I had hoped.....But then, I am Irish.

Another friend ventured out to Piatti, to pop the question on Valentine's.....oops: St. Valentine's. He asked the maitre d' to bring the ring with the desert, and handed it over with a serious tip. They were seated next to the kitchen, of course....very romantic. At the proper moment, he ordered an absurdly overpriced bottle of Dom Perignon, and anxiously awaited delivery of dessert. (I strongly recommend listening to "The Gift" by Velvet Underground...White Heat, White Light album). Dessert came. No ring. His date dug into her mousse, and pounded the Dom while my buddy looked around anxiously. He excused himself, and checked with the maitre d'. He insisted all was well, and the ring had been delivered. The waiter was consulted, then the chef. The ring had been delivered as promised, goddammit. The crowd approached the table. The chef seized the mousse, plunged his fingers into it, and retrieved the ring. "You said you wanted it delivered in the dessert, and here it is! What is your problem? I am busy!"

Nuff said about that. The Power of the Preposition: ''with'', not ''in".......

LDB's. Like IED's, an acronym of concern. Little Dead Birds. Everyone and his/her brother has chimed in on the Cheney shooting incident....well, except me.

We have worked shooting parties like the one in question. Just so you know, these birds are not exactly wild. They are raised in pens, and booted out of the cages just before the hunters appear.

In our case, we worked at a big ranch in Big Sur. The pheasants for the shoot were flown in from Fresno, along with special dog teams with their handlers. The shooters gathered for a little hot food, and a little whiskey. Always whiskey. When all was ready, the shooters would walk out into the field with the dogs and handlers. The trucks with the pheasants were just over the rise on the hill. As the shooters started walking, the Mexicans on the back of the flatbeds starting opening cages and throwing the pheasants out of the trucks. The dogs would flush the poor confused birds, and the shooters would shoot them with their $30,000 Purdy shotguns. Later, the Mexicans would take the birds over to the sheds where there was a plucking and cleaning machine, while we served lunch. The guests got cryovac-ed packages of LDB's, all clean and nice. And every bit as sporting as a Vietnamese dog-shoot down at the SPCA. Or invading Iraq.

My distant, but expert analysis of the Cheney incident: 1) Never be in front of the part of the gun with the little holes in it. (When I was a dive instructor, Little Rich Jimmy used to come shoot fish with his brand new million dollar dive gear, including spiffy speargun.....and, terrified of the dark water, try to swim BEHIND me! No, Jimmy. I ain't going out with a spear up the ass......) Anyone who has ever been on a shooting range, or walking patrol knows this. 2) You pay by the birds that are released, not for the birds you manage to hit. Five will get you ten, the Mexicans in charge of the birds released early, before the shooters were ready. Then all hell broke loose when Cheney tried to shoot the birds before they got away.

What does this tell you? Of course they were buzzed. They ALWAYS are. Alcohol and gunfire are the Cialis and Viagra of Americana. Who cares? On the other hand, they were fucking idiots to go shooting tame birds with their buddies in the line of fire, just because they were too cheap to pay for another release.

Is there anyone out there that is surprised that Dick Cheney and friends are mean, indulgent, vicious, impulsive pricks....ignorant of the dangerous consequences of their actions?

I didn't think so.


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