Thursday, March 09, 2006

People with Volvos

I just got a forward of a rave editorial about Al Gore from a Raging Democrat. (I admit to being a huge Al Gore fan, by the way.) Then I looked at the originator of the email……Omigod!!! Post Traumatic Catering Disorder!! The choppers!! The choppers!!!

The Volvo People are back!!

Back in the day, I was on the Board of the Big Sur Marathon. My job was to feed 700 plus volunteers, and a few hundred VIP’s. We did this for free for five or six years. Well, the full on brunch for 400 cost them $800.....Eggs bennie, smoked that.

My other job was to capture all the leftover food and get it to poor people. I would corral a tractor trailer full of apples, yogurt, lettuce, bananas, waters… name it. I would use the Courtesy Vans to distribute, as well as the big Carmel Meat truck. We went to the missions on crack alley in Salinas, Dorothy’s Kitchen, the Salvation Army, the missions in Soledad and Pajaro, Meals on Wheels, the nuns at the Carmelite Monastery, Tassajara, the Camaldolis in Big Sur……you name it. A tractor trailer holds 40,000 pounds.

Previous to my involvement, the food would just disappear…..the volunteers, the board members, the restauarants and hotels would grab everything. This greed vibe would just rise up, and perfectly normal people would freak out and carry off cases of apples and oranges to rot in their garages, or give to their dressage horses.

Their was some bitterness about my policy: No free food for people with Volvos. I didn’t care. I actually used the US Army volunteers to form a perimeter and protect the goodies from pillage.

The last year of our involvement, the board lost sight of the difference between Michael Jones’ A Moveable Feast, that was working for free for 10 days (and had been for five years), and Michael’s Catering, that did nothing. The printed Michael’s Catering logo on all the shirts and all the pr in the brochures and magazines and newspapers. Board members came up to me and my people and told us how much they appreciated all Michael’s Catering had done for the BSLT.

I responded by printing t-shirts that said: “We work for Michael, but we are not Fucking Michael’s Catering!” for all my soccer kid volunteers. No one noticed.

On the final day I rounded up the leftovers and deployed the Army guys. I told them: "Shoot the looters!" Board members came over, and we sold them stuff at wholesale prices. Granola was particularly in demand for lunches. One board member, or wife of director…..let’s call her Vixen….. harangued her way past even the Army guys that I had told were allowed to shoot looters. Wow. I stopped her with a case of granola.

“That will be $120, Vixen.”
“What are you talking about? I am a board member.”
“That’s right. The Board price is $120.”
“That is crazy. I haven’t eaten all day!” (My soccer kids had been up, unfed for 30 hours.)

I gently removed the 30 pounds of granola from her arms, and handed it off to a GI. I took a ten dollar bill out of my wallet, stuffed down her blouse, and said: “The Rio Grill is open. Get a Chinese Chicken Salad and a Sport Tea. On me!”

Maybe it was coincidence, but that year the Director called the Sheriff and reported the Courtesy Vans we were using to deliver the food around as stolen. He personally crashed into a meditation session at Tassajara and tried to repo the yoghurt we had dropped off. He was convinced that the place would be rife with naked monks, fucking like bunnies in the baths....slathered in his yoghurt.

The monks' comment: "Wow. He seems to have a lot of anger.........."

Oh, and the Board stiffed us the $800 we were out of pocket for the 400 brunches.

Oh, and the Board stiffed the soccer kids when it came time for handing out the cash…..No scholarships that year, kids. I am sure that was the last time any of them donated any time to anything……ever.

And we wonder why they won't even vote.

And the Volvo People are Democrats!!!!!

Aaaaaaaaahhhh! Save me, Al Sharpton!


Blogger Unknown said...


11:47 AM  
Blogger oakland heidi said...

I LOVE your blog.... and your politics.

There is a certain "special" sort of rich person that believes they are entitled to everything for free...

9:37 AM  

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