Wednesday, March 01, 2006

White Hypochondriacal.........

We are forced to shop at Whole Foods quite often….actually about $3k a month, if you can believe it. I love the store…..I love the workers: I have my own personal checkers; the beret wearing cheese lady and I are Italophiles; Paul the token Rasta guy is the sweetest male human in California; Simone the manager, former General Store bartender……was once stabbed in the back by Wonder Woman the only time she worked for me. I have actually left there tearing up after talking with one of my personal checkers about her dad on his birthday. Of course, the flip side is: DO NOT FUCK WITH ME… the check out line. Ever.

I hate the customers….except for you, of course. Typical: I am buying 15 loaves of La Brea baguettes. My secret love Ro*** (no worries, she transferred to Berkeley…..) is on the "10 Items or Less" Line, so I slither over…….One motion on the register, one item, friggin' baguettes....... A Carmel female attorney attacks me for being over the limit……She is still bitter about the Jerry Brown thing 20 years ago. For fuck’s sake….is a dozen eggs twelve items or one?

Ro*** tells me she hates the U/10 line because of all the battles. I share with her a secret: the U/10 line is legally the ‘handicapped’ line. The disabled are allowed deferential treatment in this line. I have long used and abused this privilege. Sometimes I turn to the howling old bitch behind me and point out: “This is the Disabled Line! I am morally disabled….I don’t give a shit how many items I have!” Sometimes I am Ethically Disabled: “I am Disabled…..I am a Republican……I don’t give a shit about your problems or your items.” Or, “This is the Disabled Line! I am Disnumeric! I can’t count…Back off, bitch!”

Because I love Ro*** I shared with her the Ultimate Secret Comeback of the U/10 line. When the Howling Carmel Bitch grumbles and bitches about the caterer having snuck through with 12 baguettes, a bag of ice and some Stilton (THREE ITEMS!...)…….The response: "Oh, he is so much better now that he is in the Group Home. This is the Disabled Line…..this is the only line he knows to use. I think the violence is completely behind him now, no matter what they say…….Paper or plastic?”

Anyhow, we have had a contest running for some months now: The Anagram for Whole Foods. I am happy to announce the All-time Supreme Winner Forever: Noel Emery. Of course she should win: she is named for her grandpa leoN….and she was the first to point out to me that Evian backwards is ‘naïvE’. And she has the world’s best collection of oxymorons: military intelligence, jumbo shrimp, pretty ugly, etc. Soon she will be old enough to drink……

The first part of the contest was easy, sort of: White, Hypochondriacal, Obnoxious, Lily-livered, Egocentric. We didn't want to give them credit for "Lacivious".....this implies sexuality, which implies caring for another, even as an object.....Nah.

I rallied with Fucked Overbearing Overfed, Depressing Stressmodes.

Noel’s capper: Fallacious Obese Obstinate Dip Shits…….

The envelope please……….


Blogger Gabe Rosen said...

As an anagram, it didn't require much rearrangement, mbut how about Who de fools?

11:11 PM  

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