Wednesday, May 07, 2008

News you can lose.......

Cachagua Free De-Press

May 7, 2008

News Flash #1: The Black Tow-Truck

Today an black tow truck with no markings was seen prowling around Cachagua. Fears of a stealth tow-run by Officer C. blossomed and the Militia mobilized.

Finally, the driver pulled into The Store. He found Toddy Springs and Amanda out front enjoying the antics of our newly hatched wild baby chicks.

"Can you tell me where Asoleado Road is?"

Huge sigh of relief. Militia stands down. (Asoleado is a gated community off the beat of Officer C).

"It is not a road.....It is a Gated Community."


"Who are you looking for?"

"I can't tell you that."

Long silence....wild baby chick admiring by all.

"Well.....if you tell me who it is, and it's someone I don't like......I'll give you the gate code......"

More admiration of baby chicks.

"You got a business card?"

News Flash #2: Little Turkey

Eric Lancaster appeared today with a baby wild turkey. Some dogs had run off the mom on Saturday and separated her from her brood. Eric rescued this baby chick from the dogs. He spent a day keeping it warm and watered, and was now tired, and wanted to get drunk. He handed off the chick to Amanda, who kept it in the pocket of her sweater while she worked. We called the SPCA, and arranged to drive it over to Monterey after closing The Store. They would wait while we drove sixty miles over two mountain ranges at $4.29 a gallon.

Amanda handed the chick off to Nike, who spent the next hours successfully teaching Little Turkey how to hunt for bugs in the garden. A small, appreciative crowd gathered to watch and comment.

Kevin Kline.....the star of "George Bush: The Movie"...... arrived for beer and ice cream with his kids. They had just built an incubator for baby birds......


Little Turkey was tearfully separated from Nike.

We called the SPCA to tell them we were not coming.

They had already gone home.

News Flash #3: Rock Garden Beer Theft

Vicki The Store Lady is turning the small islands of soil by Cachagua Road into little gardens. It has been a long project.

When we first got The Store, the gophers out at the islands were so voracious they were actually chewing on the power pole guy lines. There is a hawk who lives across the road in a tree, and an owl who lives in the we couldn't use poison on the fuckers.

I decided to use methamphetamines and alcohol instead. Well, not directly.

I hired Leslie and Amy to dig our all the soil in the islands and line the beds with double hog wire. Why not? They were up anyway, and with nothing to do....

On the appointed day we had a party to prep for, so we arrived at the kitchen before 7am. Leslie and Amy were already at it.

Unfortunately, they were not so much at the project as at each other. We arrived to see a shrieking Amy do an two hand, overhand smash with a flat shovel on Leslie's head. Les parried the blow with her shovel, two handed.....and smashed the end of her shovel handle into Amy's unprotected ribs.......

Morning in Cachagua. Good Morning, Ladies!

Five years hence, the wire has held, and the islands are full of compost. Vicki is expanding the garden. Hollyhocks, lavender, rosemary, roses.....opium poppies. Hey, it's Cachagua!

Vicki wants a new island, so she cajoled a recent jail-bird into hauling some big border rocks for her out of the creekbed in exchange for a 24 ounce Steele Reserve malt liquor. Mmmmm.

I arrived in the heat of the day to do some compost screening and took away the poor guy's wheelbarrow.

No worries! He was happy to stagger back and forth from creek to road hand-carrying boulders.

For a beer.

In the hot sun.

Jail must suck.

And......Maybe that whole meth thing has its uses? Corporate America won't be far behind this trend.

Oh, wait. Barack is going to be President. Shoots that idea.

Celine the Vacuous Crack-head hung around and watched and provided commentary. She has been more visible since her son and sole support was hauled off to jail for wooing the pre-school teacher with a shotgun and love poems. Turns out they been wrongly billing Social Security for his 5150 Polar Bear stipend....and Uncle Sam had cut her off from most of her funds. We see more of her as she tries to be charming and cadge beers from folks like Grant.....who has an income, but sleeps in the bocce ball court.

Anyway, Vicki brought the guy his ice cold beer and set it on a rock as he staggered back and forth with boulders. Ten trips and twenty minutes went by while I screened and watched.

"Boy is that beer gonna taste good!" he called to me by the compost heap as he went down into the creek for his last boulder.

Celine, over by the new island, was roused from her stupor by this thought, spied the cold Steele Reserve sitting patiently on its rock....... grabbed it....... and drained it in one long 24 ounce pull.......

Question: Do we buy him another beer?


Blogger Mike said...

Sweet Jesus, I sure do miss Carmel Valley! Thanks for sharing.

I'm glad to hear things haven't so much changed in the valley. Rather, they seem to have just moved a little further into the hills.

(Cachagua, a modern Shibboleth.)

Mike C. (late of Hitchcock Cyn)

9:21 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home