Thursday, January 29, 2009

Sheriff Kanalakis is a Putz.....

We have had bumper stickers at The Store since The Fire......

"Mike Ain't Right....Recall Sheriff Kanalakis".

Everybody has one.....and everyone but me is too chicken-shit to put them on their trucks.

My workers of course immediately seized stickers and cut out the "Recall Kanalakis" part....

"Mike Ain't Right".

I think of it as an affectionate tribute to my idiosyncracies.....

Anyway.....since we are in California, at least geographically.....let us have a brief discussion of the word "putz".

I am a language various times I have studied German, Yiddish, French, Latin, Dutch, Papiemento, Pidgin, Hawaiian, Spanish, Basque, Irish, and Italian.

Each has its charms: Italian is lyric enough to have huge bodies of opera written in it....but it is densely political....if you are from the next village over, fuck you; ditto Irish; German has the accuracy of a engineering drawing....nine different ways to say "the"; Papiemento (from the Dutch Antilles....where the climate has not varied by more than four or five degrees, summer and winter, in a millenium) dispenses with all concepts of tense, time and gender. It is in the moment.....and the moment is a thousand years in duration. We won't talk about best language, and the one where they hate me the most. I speak French like a fucking Belgian, apparently. Sorry, I like Belgians.

Yiddish is the language with the most sarcasm, self-deprecation, and wry humor built into the words. Yiddish is Alt Hoch Deutsch mixed with some Hebrew, Polish and Russian. A brief glance at the history of the people who speak Yiddish defines it all.....systematically massacred for millenia by consummately stupid and revolting neighbors.

"Putz" is one of the many Yiddish words for penis. Women's rights advocates will be pleased to learn that each of the words for penis also has a second meaning of.....basically....douche bag.

Eskimos have twenty words for "snow". Irish has a dozen words for "green", at least. Italian has a couple dozen words for "really bad shoes". English has about forty ways of saying "really fucking drunk." Hawaiian has more than a dozen ways of saying "shower shoes".

You can learn things by studying languages.

The Yids have a decent quiver of prick words.

It may not be coincidence that the only medical procedure detailed in the Old Testament is......


Schmeckle and petseleh typically refer to little boys' penises. Therefore, a schmeckle is a pretty damn derogatory way of refering to your ex-wife's new husband.....however accurate it may be.

Schlong literally means "snake".....and there is usually nothing derogatory involved: "He had a giant schlong....and when he pulled it out, she fainted."

Schwanz is actually German for in we cropped the scwanz of our Doberman. Like is rarely used in a derogatory fashion. "Jesus, did you see the schwanz on that Phelps kid? He must be a bagel......."

It was really distressing for a new wannabe Jew from Upstate New find myself working in Austria in the mountains and to be constantly urged by the signage to "Please find the end of the Schwanz".....or "No shoving or pushing in the Schwanz"....or "This is the End of The Schwanz!"


I had no idea the managers of the Kitzbuhel ski area knew my ex-girlfriend.

Anyway....the most common prick terms in Yiddish are "putz" and "schmuck". Graduate theses in sociology have been written on the subtle variations of meaning between the two words.

Putz is worse, for sure. Schmuck is erect, putz is flaccid. Like the n-word, you can use "schmuck" to describe yourself: "She left me standing there like a schmuck......"

Schmuck is more active. You bought into Bernie Maddof's deal? "What a schmuck." Hey, at least you had money to give to Bernie.

When your brother-in-law trashes his Platinum American Express Card on the lap dancer in the Ultra Room? Or forgets to change the oil on his Cayenne?

"What a fucking putz."

Putz also has an alternate meaning.....screwing around with no direction or idea: "Hey, I just spent the day putzing around the yard, picking up dog shit."

A putz is a putz. Clueless, flaccid....a useless caricature of the male member.

Hence my title to this post......

Sheriff Kanalakis has blessed us in the last year....and I mean no disrespect to the Deputies that work under his foggy leadership.....with staff that respond to Nason Road, rather than Nason Ranch, in the middle of a crisis; who leave their weapons on the toilet at The Cachagua Store and drive away; who, instead of arresting crack dealers.....have sex with their daughters....

That kid now enforces the law elsewhere, at least.

Another law enforcement blessing of the fall was the arrest and prosecution of Ivan Eberle of MIRA for assault for stumbling over a firefighter while saving the Observatory when no one else would.

And, this winter's crop of law enforcement clarity: refusing to bother rich folk a drunken stupor....assault my staff, especially my 16 year old bus girl, and drive drunkenly off into the night having stolen $287 worth of my food and labor from Monday Night Dinner.

See, they can't find the guy. I did a five second google search and came up with the guy's whole life: Joe Sortais, Sky Ranch, cell phone, home phone, tax payments, former company......

I imagine what would happen if one of my teenage guys piled up $287 worth of shit at Long's or Safeway.....including alcohol....and boogied. We have a cash bail fund always available for our employees, relatives or clients.....24-7. I imagine my bail fund would be helpless in the face of assault and battery on a underage female minor.....if one of my boys were involved.

Joe problem.

And.....this week we had the joy of watching multiple sheriff units speed by The Store on Monday.....coming from the east on Cachagua Road, all lit up. It was mid-service, so we were worried that they were lying in wait for our customers. One. Two. Three. Four.

Finally we sent a completely sober worker in a truck, whose lights and licensing we verified first, to check it out.

Four sheriffs, the Cachagua Volunteers rescue truck, and a fire truck....all at Crazy Jeff's place.

Crazy Jeff had last entertained us all in September when he pulled a shotgun on his son and tried to beat him with it. The kid escaped, and ran to The Store. We dropped a dime, and soon there were SWAT teams and a helicopter with a sniper and a searchlight deployed....searching the woods for three hours.

Helicopters and searchlights are not real popular in Cachagua in the fall.

This latest drama started when Crazy Jeff.....who had just found Jesus and joined the Cachagua Church (he spent long dramatic minutes sobbing on Amanda's shoulder on Sunday at Service, begging for forgiveness and understanding) pulled a shotgun and tried to shoot his girlfriend and kill himself.

Deputies eventually broke down his door, rescued his girlfriend andtook him away for a 72 hour psych hold.....and confiscated the weapons. Well, not ALL the weapons....but some of them.

It turns out that in 2009 America.....if you do not have health insurance....a 72 hour psych hold only last 24 hours. And, from Natividad Crazy Jeff called up everyone he knew and threatened them: "I am crazy now....officially. No telling what I might do!"

The Pastor of the Cachagua actual true Christian, more later......was able to intervene and collect four more shotguns the Sheriffs had missed at the Crazy Jeff manse after Jeff's release. No one has found the nine mm that Jeff likes to keep in his belt when strolling through The Village.

Today, the nutball showed up at The Store on a bicycle. He has no power at his house and therefore no water. There is a river running past the house......Instead he drove in circles through our driveway, rambling and mumbling threats to anyone who would listen.

Vicki locked all the doors.......and I called 911.

The Sheriff refused to respond.

"We talked to him yesterday....he seems fine. We are not driving all the way out there...."

So.....the guy's wife is in seclusion, along with his daughter and son. His girlfriend is in seclusion. Everyone in the community knows that he is an armed, violent psychopath.......

And the Sheriff won't come.

Imagine us, trying to build a diverse, happy working-class community in Cachagua....with no law enforcement to help us with the one or two psycopaths disrupting everything.....

This will end in gunfire.....

Luckily, Gunfire is a language that is spoken fluently in Cachagua.

And I ask you: Putz or Schmuck?

Jeff is a Schmuck.

Sheriff Kanalakis is a Putz.

Call me if you need help with your thesis.


Blogger azazl said...

I was told by a Russian jewish friend that a putz was actually the foreskin that was removed during circumsision. Seems like a double insult- first they mutilate your dick when your helpless, then they make fun of you by calling you the sad little remnant that was removed. What the hell do they do with all those little flaps anyway? (I am really quite against the practice of dick mutilation- just seems mean)

5:49 PM  
Blogger South40 said...

The same thing happened at the local school. A 5150 arrived and scared the teachers enough to have the school in lock down. The sheriff was called and given a full discription of the guy, his car etc. While on the phone with the sheriff the guy came back and frightened a parent enough to send her to the school alerting them about the weirdo too. The sheriff's dispatch assured them an officer was on the way. 2.5 hours later still no sheriff. Dispatch was called to ask where the officer was at...oh they found the guy he was 5150 so they told him stay away from the school. Why didn't they come to see if everyone at the school was okay?

They couldn't find it.

9:03 PM  

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