Sunday, June 15, 2014

Glutards, lactards, and vacctards......

The continuing tale of mindfuck bullshit food "allergies":

Back in the Silver Jones era....many of the "cool" people were "allergic" or "sensitive" to "sulfites".  Bacon?  Bad.  Ham? Bad.  Red wine of any kind? Bad.  Sulfites. All of the coolios drank Cakebread Chardonnay.....and they were usually the same folk that got to go into the master suite at the party that was another couple of hundred bucks.  Good for us.....cocaine=low food cost.

Now....these exact same folks are lactards and are gluten free.  What?  The cocaine?  The Cakebread Chardonnay? 

We just finished our dinner party for 16 with four glutards, one lactard, one shellfish....and a late arriving butter hater who is also a glutard.  Fine.

We rallied and invented a new version of our Meyer lemon polenta pound cake that has no wheat flour.  We used ground almonds.....buttermilk....but basically still a genoise.  A genoise so heavy with the corn, and so non-bubbly flat with the lack of gluten fibres to trap the CO2 that you could throw it at a burglar.  But....not horrible.  Crunchy.  Glutards have great teeth.

Turns out that there were only two glutards.....both young mothers with babies.  Our hostess....a woman with a sense of humor that would stop George Carlin in his tracks....or at least slow him down....was somehow browbeaten by these two young women to tweak her entire party and menu in their direction.  One was married to the lactard.  He was actually a real one.  Lactaid can't compete.....over it.

Turns out that neither Mom has any personal allergy herself.....they both are just avoiding eating any foods that to which their babies might become allergic.

The semi-killer Meyer Lemon Polenta/Almond Pound Cake?  Fuck you!  It has EGGS!  And BUTTER!

We foolishly served our Dino kale salad with the Asian dressing....sesame, etc.  Each serving has about a gram of soy sauce.  My research on all the batshit crazy gluten sites tells me that the gluten proteins are so degraded in the production of soy that it is a non-issue.  Further, my research tells me that especially Korean Korean soy is by nature wheat-free.  Our soy comes from Han Kook Market.  There is no English on the label.....and I am learning Korean.  Wheat is not mentioned.

Trauma ensued when we served our kale salad.  One mom ate it after I gave her the science....the other did not.   Meanwhile.....the other 18 guests (hostess lied to us) had their entire menu and experience tweaked around these two chicks.

At dessert....both moms refused my new cake.  Because it had eggs.  And butter.  They are worried that their kids would become allergic to eggs and butter if their moms ate some while breast feeding.

In 1982 I had a client with dual US/Mexican nationality.  More money than God...his dad, uncle, grandpa, great grandpa had all been the dentists to the Presidents of Mexico.  He himself was the head of sales and operations for Mosler Safe for all of Mexico.

I spent all summer, every morning combing the markets in whichever town I found myself for stuff for breakfast, lunch, dinner.  Basically 5am....because in Mexico, the refrigeration is sketchy. My son Brendan came along...18 months.  I would drop him off at the first abuela I found in whichever market....and come back and track him down two hours later after I finished my shopping.  Couldn't happen now.  Brendan would be passed from granny to all the markets of Mexico.  Goat heads, weird night soil fertilized squashes and herbs, shellfish from sketchy coastal waters, delicious berries....also nightsoil fertilized.  Tortillas....corn and wheat.  Cheeses....goat, sheep, cow....mostly raw milk.  Thirty years later.....he is a lactard, but that is it.  We all are.......Lact-Aid deals with it.

The worst part of this story:  after making all of the cooks jump through hoops, and their fellow guests, and giving out weird conflicting information about their "problems", and ensuring that they were the center of attention....and making sure that the caterers threw out half the desserts we had worked all day to make because of their concerns....


Fuck me.  Kill me. 

Rich, "smart" people believe this shit.

I would rather be in a Roman galley....rowing, not cooking.

Ramming speed........


Blogger Paintqueen said...

OMG… You Nailed it…. For some strange reason I find myself trying to cook gluten free shit for my friends that have suddenly become "gluten intolerant" Where the hell did this shit come from? My guess is that half of them spent so many years not eating real food and stuffed themselves with so much processed crap that they screwed up their systems AND/OR they are just sheeple following stupid propaganda "health" trends and have NO actual knowledge of wheat protein or synthesis …Ha Ha .Love your blog!

9:43 PM  
Blogger horsluvr said...

Just discovered your blog and I'm loving every post! This one in particular struck a nerve. I have a slight sensitivity to wheat. I know what triggers it, but I still eat it at times because I am NOT out to make anyone short-change everyone else just to accommodate me! Being raised in the Midwest, I consumed all things wheat growing up. Took me almost 6 months of keeping a very detailed food diary before I figured out what was triggering some rather unpleasant tummy & gut issues. My point.........if you have issues with food that SOMEONE ELSE is either paying for or cooking, then kindly decline the invitation; or attend, sit pretty and shut the HELL up!

12:05 PM  
Blogger drrandy said...

I have heard great things about your dinners from some friends who are regulars and hope I can make it some time.
I am a doctor in Soquel who specializes in nutrition and wish to share a couple of comments. Obviously there are some people who are made quite ill by even tiny amounts of gluten, but only about 1% have true celiac disease that necessitates complete gluten avoidance. While some without celiac may become ill from excessive gluten (though usually modern wheat gluten- most of these folks tolerate rye, barley and ancient grains like spelt), gluten-intolerance is very trendy and I agree that most who think they need to avoid it are victims of trendiness. And I could not agree more that someone with food sensitivities should simply avoid foods they are allergic to instead of dictating the menu of an entire gathering.

I also believe that a woman avoiding dairy or eggs while nursing is likely to increase their baby's chance of developing allergies to those foods rather than reduce the chance!

But the main reason I comment is your clearly condescending attitude to those who do not vaccinate. This is a very complex and controversial issue and it is far too simplistic for anyone to declare vaccination as all good or all bad, but I would ask you to read my essay on The Vaccination Debate before you ridicule those who make the very reasonable decision to avoid vaccines at

5:37 AM  
Blogger Zellyfish said...

What a fantastic read! I think Im in love. Makes me want to dine here, asap!

11:53 PM  

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