Thursday, March 31, 2005

The Food Whore

I added the Food Whore (turning tricks since 1999) link......nice site, great sense of humor. She IS NOT an illegal home caterer, as I first feared. Praise Allah, though I was willing to forgive even THAT! Sorry......I am super sensitive about home caterers. In Monterey they are thick as the fleas that drove Robert Louis Stevenson away.......I used to forward to the Health Department any invitations I got that included mention of an illegal caterer. The Health Department then would TELL the illegals who was ratting them out.....and not close them down! Makes the joy of writing that yearly check for my license so much greater. AND I got this reputation as anti-woman: 99% of the illegals are female. There is a thesis there somewhere.

Today at the Farmer's Market I saw our own local version.......Scary Cheri, the Big Sur Black Widow. No sense of humor there. The Scary One got her start with us (we even held her hand all the way through her first two weddings). She had a contact at the most amazing house in Big Sur......the Palmieri House. Two thousand square feet of teak decking on a cliff overlooking sentinel rocks at Burns Creek.....just a short way north of Esalen. The house stars in the movie ''The Limey'' with Peter Fonda and Terence Stamp....great, dark movie by the way. Barbara Striesand and Demi Moore retreat there......Trent Reznor wrote an album there.

Anyway, the house was available for rent at times for $4,000 cash. Worth it, every cent. Then one day, on five days notice.......the caretaker cancelled a wedding for 100pp because the owner was coming. Hmmm........The owner didn't know? This was the Scary One's first big wedding. We pulled her ass out of the fire, found a new site up the hill.......and produced the famous Big Sur Bagpipe Butterfly and Bats Wedding. I think Scary fired us halfway through the event. We hung out on the fringes anyway, laughing quietly. Then, proving that there is a God......she got a flat on the way out on the awful dirt road. Yes, we went back and changed her tire......Revenge is a meal which is best eaten cold....and with the hands!

Well, that was that for Palmieri House for AMF. The Scary One left us not long after...... two days after Michael fell from a tree, breaking both arms and rupturing his spleen. As she gathered her things her things, she informed him (he laying in front of the woodstove, kicking the morphine pump hangover, with 27 staples in his belly) that he was just too goddam self-absorbed! Probably the best break-up line ever, given the situation. Self-absorption could be defined as the process of trying to figure out how to wipe your butt with two broken arms......

Needing a place to work and live, she ratted out the Palmieri House caretaker to the owner......and got his job!! Despite having done a couple dozen events there with full knowledge that the man knew nothing of the house's alternate income. And you thought Big Sur was all hippies, peace-love-tie-die. The poor guy barely escaped prosecution.

So today there was the Scary One, schlepping her little red wagon through the market, mistress of all she surveys. If you ever need a really expensive event in Big Sur, prepared illegally in a home kitchen....but with some organic ingredients........ I can refer you. I hear she is booked for September. Maybe I am just pissed off that she got all the Corralitos Market venison and ostrich sausage before I did.........Yeah, that's it.

2 Comments:

Blogger startonline said...

Great site folks, been looking for this kind of information. I have a related wedding poem
site also. You may want to take a look some time. wedding poem
I'll definitely be back.

7:37 PM  
Blogger wpb-38F48A said...

Great blog you have! I really enjoyed it. I heard of a great site that is giving away a free set of Nike Golf Clubs. I think your readers will enjoy it. Just click the link below and enter your Zip Code to see if you qualify!
Free Nike Golf Clubs!

8:54 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home