Thursday, September 08, 2005

C-Words Part 2

Words beginning with C that should never be spoken aloud in polite company:

Champagne toast.

Champagne toasts are one more way for God to tell you that you have too much money. God's favorite way of telling you that you have too much money was cocaine......but since cocaine is supposedly passé, his next favorite ploy is convincing you that serving Veuve Cliquot Orange label makes you cool. By the way, God's way of telling you that your date is a hooker is to have you order Roederer Crystal.

Champagne toasts, if your name doesn't start with 'P. Did something' are a device to drag even more money from your wallet than the florists, musicians, dressmakers, ministers, caterers and (horrors!!) coordinators have already stolen.

Look.....champagne is a drug not unlike coffee. There are champagne people, and there is everyone else. My best advice is: do not invite champagne people to your wedding to begin with. We are sluts.....and you probably can't afford us. Plus, we stammer and make rude comments, especially if you are silly enough to serve Veuve Cliquot.

Even if you limit the champagne folks attending your event the only time anyone but the sluts drinks champagne is immediately after the ceremony. That is the festive moment that cries for a bubbly celebration. After that, everyone switches to vodka tonics, beer, merlot or Crystal Geyser.

By the time the toast rolls around, everyone has moved on to their steady beverage: Diet Coke, beer, vodka, coffee (!!??). Very likely only the caterers are still drinking champagne.

Time to cut the cake!! If, at this point, you ordered poured 200 glasses of are the kind of fool who buys Grandparent's Day cards for Gramps.....or sends Flag Day cards on June 14th. Once again: 200 glasses @$.50 = $100. Five glasses per bottle = 40 bottles. Pathetic geeks like us only charge $13 for good sparkling which would be $520. Total of $620. We don't charge service you are done. In a hotel, you are fucked. $30 per bottle, plus plus.......Think about two grand. And, among the guests perhaps ten or twenty will actually drink. At 200 bucks a glass, even Veuve Cliquot pales. We could be drinking something good, like Krug or Diamant Bleu...... Or, at least a hellacious lap dance might apply........

And, finally: you have out in the open 190 undrunk glasses of champagne. Even if you have hired Carrie Nation Catering, there is going to be a downside. God hope the carparkers are still out in the lot.....and hope the sharp instruments have all been packed.

Muzzle not the ox that treadeth the corn. But stand back, Poppy.......


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