Thursday, October 05, 2006

Back in black.......

Sorry to be gone so long.......actual physical labor reared its ugly head. And since all the brides read the blog, I couldn't bear to spend time writing when I should be stressing about weddings! That and working 38 consecutive 16-20 hour days. But there is a catch up coming: Falling down the stairs at 13th in mid ceremony; Democrats suck, too; The Worst SoCo Class Ever (and The Last!); Rio Grill vs. Manresa; Never Hire a Wedding Consultant (That is Why You Used to Have Friends!!); Methadone: Suicide by Duh; Christians Really Suck (Who Would Jesus Stiff?); and more.

Meanwhile, my daughter (captured by Christians and spirited off to Wisconsin years ago) started middle school. New school, new kids, a locker, walking to remember. She didn't know how to use a padlock. Asked for help from some boys. Got spotted by the vice principal. Turns out this is a Homeland Security issue: other people knowing your combination could put weapons, drugs, explosives in your locker and.....and......and. Sixth Grade Terrorists! They all got called down to the office and yelled at and Jocelyn was issued a new combination.

Well, she still didn't know how to use a padlock, and was now really rattled. She got the two combinations mixed up and had to go back to the office.

Where they decided she was neurologically damaged because she couldn't remember her combination. Oh, and she had lost a homework assignment. (Proving paternity conclusively, as well as direct descendency from Grandma Pat, Brother Dylan, and Uncle Rob). Wisconsin she is brain-dead, and is scheduled for extensive tests, EEG, CAT scans, etc.

Speaking of relations, we must include Brother Conall. In HIS sixth grade year, he was quietly eating his lunch when Resident Seagull swooped down and stole his lunchbag. Conall picked up his apple and, despite never having played baseball, football or basketball, rifled a shot right into the spine of the seagull......snapping it.

The yard duty ran over, dialled 911 and a rescue attempt commenced. They rushed the bird to the SPCA and operated. Conall was detained by the Sheriff and questioned in detail: "If another child had stolen your lunch would you have broken his back, too?"

Conall was suspended and I was given the bill for the surgery. By some quirk, since he was only 11, I was able to dodge the bullet. Conall was later suspended again for wearing sexually explicit clothing to school, proving his sociopathic nature. The clothing was, of course, a Barcelona jersey given him by his host family in Barcelona. Barcelona is sponsored by Kappa, whose logo shows the silhouette of a man and woman back to back. Third or fourth largest sportswear company in the world......but too racy for Carmel.

The vice principal in the above cases is now the vice principal at Carmel High. I submit the following email exchange today.....the day of The World Can't a reminder that there are other things more crucial than even Iraq, gay pages, corrupt Republicans, etc. Our children for instance.....who seem to be in the hands of idiots.

Background: The Rose is 17, and has worked for us for three years.....her only job ever. She is a competitive endurance horsewoman.....She routinely runs the kitchen at major, complicated events.....with her chronological, academic, etc seniors scurrying around doing her bidding.

Hey Mike,

Guess parents are the evilest people ever!!!!!!!! I got in a huge fight with those people that call themselves my parents…over grades…I have a D- in writing class because I can’t pass this spelling and usage test with words like weather wheather whitch witch to too two…like retarded words…so it’s a pass fail thing ither u get 100 on it or 0 an I’ve taken it like 15 times and can’t pass…so my report card said D- an they freaked…the rest were A’s and B’s…but they flipped out an said I can’t work an stuff….

We were screaming and yelling at each other and ship was flying bac and forth so I grabbed a knife an I held it to my wrist in front of them an I was like “fine I’ll fuckin kill myself and u’r sory asses will fuckin have to clean up the mess” then they were like fine were sorry balh balh balh don’t do it…obviously I didn’t kill myself haha…

I went to school the next day and told my friends about our lil fight an I think they told the school next thing I know I’m in mr pallastrinis office (the REAL principle…I even got escorted to his if I didn’t know where it was haha) then when I got there miss salmon was there and two school councilors and a sheriff…they were like “we heard you tried to kill yourself last night…that’s very bad balh blah blah…”

So I got escorted out of the office by a cop and left school in front of a ton of people in a cop car hahaha the back seat was so hard there was no padding an no leg room…I kinda wanted to like take a shit or piss in the car g=to make a statement but I didn’t have to go hahaha…its not like they couldn’t hose it off the seat haha the cop was an ass wipe anyways…I was giving him the 3rd degree trying to drive him crazy u know….so I was like y did u become a cop? Was it to boos your ego? Make up for your lack there of? He kinda grunted and didn’t answer…hahaha

then the cop took me to chomp and that’s when I text’d u that I couldn’t work…(they didn’t kno I had my phone cuz I asked 4 a blanket and texted u without looking from under the blanket cuz I’m that skilled haha) I stashed my cell in my pants so they wouldn’t take it haha but then u called me an blew my cover hahaha but its ok…then they took my phone (so I just got ur voicemail about catering sat today…)

But then my mom came to chomp and it was a big load of bull shit…I made her leave cuz I’m a bitch like that…I got put on a 5150 (which is a 72 hour suicide watch) and sent to St. Marries adolescent psychiatric ward in San Francisco (Last time it was Mt. Diablo in Concord) (kinda ironic how I went from Diablo which is DEVIL in Spanish to St. Marries which is like religious haha)

I got to wate at chomp 12 hours (from 3;00 after school to 3am) then I fot put in an ambulance and taken to the nutt house basically…my ambulance got lost so we got a nice lil tour around the city…
When I got there they like strip searched me…I was gonna be a bitch and make them take off my cloths but then they pulled out a huge needle to calm me down s I decided to cooperate cuz I’m terrified of needles…

My roommate was a def skitzo lesbian and wanted to like make out with me…she had hearing aids…an she was a midget…it was scarry…there was only 2 bathrooms and they were always locked…you had to ask to take a shit basically…during the day they had groups and crap they tried to make me go to…I mostly laid in my plastic bed and chucked shit at people when they came in…

After a while they were like “u can’t be in bed anymore” so they tried to take my mattress from me but they weren’t allowed to touch me so I just laid there and they dragged the mattress off the bed an on the floor and down the hall in the doorway with me still on it…It pissed them off so much when I decided to just lay there three hours and sing in forgin languages hahaha…

I went on a hunger strike,,,didn’t eat for 6 days…I told them I wouldn’t eat until I left that place to push up my discharge…haha it worked…after my shower strike they we5re glad to get rid of me…

The groups I did go to I was negative and picked fights with the doctors…when asked to drawl my fav animal I drew a horny toad and got an hour time out hahaha time out was the best…the walls were padded so it didn’t hurt when I ran in to them haha

I got my mom to bring me cloths an blinkets and my pink horse stuffed animal(with a stash of stuff in its butthole…no joke…I’m that clever haha) so she did…and I had visine stashed in the stuffed animal along with a ton of other naughty stuff…

so I snuck out of my room at night and crawled on the floor with a sheet over me…and “accidently” spilled an entire bottle of visine in the jug of lemonade the staff was drinking….5 nurses went home sick the next day an they had to get pp,l to cover…an no one knows y hahahahaha…it was sweet revenge…if only I had access to nair haha….

They wanted to keep me 30 days cuz they thought they could help me…and that I was just “angry at the world” as they put it…but I started a rebellion…I got a buncha crazy ppl together and we tried to pull the fire alarm all at once so we’d get to evacuate and have an opportunity to make a break 4 it…but the fire alarm was locked…u need a key to pull it…I got another sweet time out…

After a while no one would participate in groups cuz of me…we were all rebelling…so I got kicked out for starting it…no 30 day hold thank god…hahaha…they MADE my mom come get me…it was sweet…I taught those fuckers never to mess with me…hahaha…so now I not only got kicked out of a religious school…but a psyc ward to hahaha…

I’m alive…my mom got me last night…I got home at 1;30 am this morning…no school 4 me 2day…I don’t even think I legally have to make up most of the work I missed at school hahaha I got arrested Thursday…

I can do Monday night this week…I also have break all week but I’m going to the lake…my parents are way sorry…or maybe just scared to bitch at me…considering I’m hard core enough to get kicked out of a nutt house hahaha I learned cop cars are small and hard and ambulances are cool…(I also just got my cell bac last night…)

So I really wanna work Monday…I miss it SOOO much!!! U have NO idea!!! That is…If I’m not like replaced already… I think this is the longest email EVER… well write me bac if u get it an actually have time to read it k

~The Trouble Maker
The Rose

Michael Jones wrote:
THANK GOD!! Some day these guys will realize how smart and valuable you are.

Christ! Brendan got the same run around, with less drama. They wouldn't give him college prep classes because of his spelling....only sewing and jewelry and dance. So he quit and went to Ireland and did independent study. They begged him back to kick for the football fags his senior year, and he walked with his buddies.

I was filling in his resumé for a job at Manresa just now. He has six jobs: running our business, foreman for building a zillion dollar vineyard, foreman at another vineyard during crush, Monday Night, drilling wells, the bar in Prague and his vodka importing business……He still can’t spell.

I knew something weird was up when your mom freaked that I already knew you couldn't work from a text. April wouldn't say anything.....give her props....but we were ready to break you out.

I have experience in that. My brother got depressed in college and went to their shrink.....and they put him in lockup on a 5150 for answering the suicide question wrong. Then they pumped him full of drugs he was allergic to and completely fucked him up. Then they wouldn't let him out AMA (against medical advice) without us paying his whole bill in cash.......tens of thousands of dollars that the school would pay under student insurance otherwise.

So.......I put on two sets of clothes and a baseball hat and went to visit on visiting day. He was a zombie.....drooling even. I took him in the bathroom stall and we switched clothes.....I shoved down the hat over his face and led him right out the front door.

It took two weeks for him to come down off the drugs. He lived here for a couple years, wrote a book, and moved to New York. He became editor in chief of HarperCollins books and was making $700,000 a year when he got lung cancer and croaked.

Not bad for a crazy guy!!

Speaking of crazy people too dumb for high school…….I don't suppose we could kidnap you this weekend? We are so screwed. Twenty bucks an hour? Saturday is Conway's in Carmel, then SF for a wedding on a drop off for 75 and a wake for a Carmel High kid who accidentally died of an overdose after his wife committed suicide. You can run the dropoffs and run the wedding in SF. Drop by St. Mary’s for a visit? I’ll give you lots of UC Santa Cruz and UCSF grad students to boss around and teach how to act.

Hey!! When is your eighteenth birthday?

SOOOOOOOO GLAD you are out.


Mike, Brendan, Ray and your other admirers

From The Rose:

wow crazzy ppl are awsome! i took all the pills they tried to give me and pretended to take them...put them in my cheek when they checked.....then hid them in my bra...sold and traded them with other patients the staff were like wow shes on so many drugs how can she still be walking basically haha...

but anyways i can do sat...i don't think my parents have the balls to say no anymore hahaha...what time in the morning? where am i going? what slaves do i get?

Gay bestest buddy in the world...i'm sure that guys had sum experiences in a mental institution haha...we should compare notes for next time i get any college guys? ooo i want Amanda...shes fun...(NOT April...but don't tell her i said that...)
so just let me know the time and stuff...

The Rose


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