Sunday, June 15, 2014

Glutards, lactards, and vacctards......

The continuing tale of mindfuck bullshit food "allergies":

Back in the Silver Jones era....many of the "cool" people were "allergic" or "sensitive" to "sulfites".  Bacon?  Bad.  Ham? Bad.  Red wine of any kind? Bad.  Sulfites. All of the coolios drank Cakebread Chardonnay.....and they were usually the same folk that got to go into the master suite at the party that was another couple of hundred bucks.  Good for us.....cocaine=low food cost.

Now....these exact same folks are lactards and are gluten free.  What?  The cocaine?  The Cakebread Chardonnay? 

We just finished our dinner party for 16 with four glutards, one lactard, one shellfish....and a late arriving butter hater who is also a glutard.  Fine.

We rallied and invented a new version of our Meyer lemon polenta pound cake that has no wheat flour.  We used ground almonds.....buttermilk....but basically still a genoise.  A genoise so heavy with the corn, and so non-bubbly flat with the lack of gluten fibres to trap the CO2 that you could throw it at a burglar.  But....not horrible.  Crunchy.  Glutards have great teeth.

Turns out that there were only two glutards.....both young mothers with babies.  Our hostess....a woman with a sense of humor that would stop George Carlin in his tracks....or at least slow him down....was somehow browbeaten by these two young women to tweak her entire party and menu in their direction.  One was married to the lactard.  He was actually a real one.  Lactaid can't compete.....over it.

Turns out that neither Mom has any personal allergy herself.....they both are just avoiding eating any foods that to which their babies might become allergic.

The semi-killer Meyer Lemon Polenta/Almond Pound Cake?  Fuck you!  It has EGGS!  And BUTTER!

We foolishly served our Dino kale salad with the Asian dressing....sesame, etc.  Each serving has about a gram of soy sauce.  My research on all the batshit crazy gluten sites tells me that the gluten proteins are so degraded in the production of soy that it is a non-issue.  Further, my research tells me that especially Korean Korean soy is by nature wheat-free.  Our soy comes from Han Kook Market.  There is no English on the label.....and I am learning Korean.  Wheat is not mentioned.

Trauma ensued when we served our kale salad.  One mom ate it after I gave her the science....the other did not.   Meanwhile.....the other 18 guests (hostess lied to us) had their entire menu and experience tweaked around these two chicks.

At dessert....both moms refused my new cake.  Because it had eggs.  And butter.  They are worried that their kids would become allergic to eggs and butter if their moms ate some while breast feeding.

In 1982 I had a client with dual US/Mexican nationality.  More money than God...his dad, uncle, grandpa, great grandpa had all been the dentists to the Presidents of Mexico.  He himself was the head of sales and operations for Mosler Safe for all of Mexico.

I spent all summer, every morning combing the markets in whichever town I found myself for stuff for breakfast, lunch, dinner.  Basically 5am....because in Mexico, the refrigeration is sketchy. My son Brendan came along...18 months.  I would drop him off at the first abuela I found in whichever market....and come back and track him down two hours later after I finished my shopping.  Couldn't happen now.  Brendan would be passed from granny to all the markets of Mexico.  Goat heads, weird night soil fertilized squashes and herbs, shellfish from sketchy coastal waters, delicious berries....also nightsoil fertilized.  Tortillas....corn and wheat.  Cheeses....goat, sheep, cow....mostly raw milk.  Thirty years later.....he is a lactard, but that is it.  We all are.......Lact-Aid deals with it.

The worst part of this story:  after making all of the cooks jump through hoops, and their fellow guests, and giving out weird conflicting information about their "problems", and ensuring that they were the center of attention....and making sure that the caterers threw out half the desserts we had worked all day to make because of their concerns....


Fuck me.  Kill me. 

Rich, "smart" people believe this shit.

I would rather be in a Roman galley....rowing, not cooking.

Ramming speed........

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Under Assistant West Coast Promo Man

Let's pretend: You are a political operator who gets paid for results.  You have a client.  The client's opponent has a troubled offspring.....drugs, shitty girlfriends...and he lives in your client's opponent's guest house.  Well...over the garage, anyway.
Hit him!  Drugs! Bad!  Immoral!  Zero tolerance for drugs and people who might take them!  Send mailers to every voter!  Eliminate the drug tolerant fuck dad dude...whatever.  He must be incompetent as an administrator....because his kid is on drugs.
Sounds good to me.
Except.....all our young people are on drugs.  Well....most or many.
Talk to any retail employer you know.  To be an employer....or a our modern times requires a functional knowledge of the courts, various rehabs, County drug policy, probation rules and procedures....bail bondsmen, cool lawyers,etc.  Not to mention modern medicine....and whichever religion you buy into to pray for your kid or worker's life.
I have actually purchased two young people from drug dealers.  First one was $1500 so he could join the army.  Second one was $2,000 so she could go into rehab.  They did not want to lose customers.....and they knew everything about my kids because they follow them on Facebook. 
The group....who I don't want to cross, because they most likely follow me on Facebook.... know where they are and what there triggers are. After one failed and one successful (out of town)rehab with the 18 year old girl.....they sent a bag over to her cousin's house when they knew she was in town and vulnerable.  Six months in the toilet....back to the rockpile.  
She eventually made it.  So far.  He did make it.
$3500 was cheap.  Two lives.
Except, the kids had to do the work.  Try to get into the Army nowadays.  Try to get back into rehab.  It is hard.  You have to be dedicated, with a program and support from friends, family and employers to even get a shot at a bed in rehab....and forget the Army if you have not been doing Iron Man..... and god forbid if that misdemeanor pot thing already hit your record.
Dealing with an addicted person is an all consuming job.  And no one has that much time.  The drugs and the drug dealers have all the power.  Recovery rates for heroin and meth are in the 5% range....with full time commitment and tons of cash.
So how ironic it would be if our pretend political operator....trashing our incumbent for his dealing with family drug issues....had family drug issues himself. 
Possiblily his brother is a known heroin addict with a current burglar girl friend....and whose previous girlfriend was shot on Christmas Eve trying to score drugs in Chinatown in Salinas.  And who has stolen property sitting in their Mom's front yard as we speak.
The irony comes when the opponent of our political operative has compassion and experience with drugs and young people.....and is not busting the brother of the operative who is cheaply trashing him because he wants the guy in recovery, not jail. Because it makes sense from a law enforcement, a human, and a $$$ standpoint.  As a professional administrator...with a heart.
This is all just a fantasy. 
This couldn't happen in our world.
Who could be that cynical
And why?