In Defense of Groom-Zillas

The Death-Posts are piling up like missed Holy Days of Obligation: Not to attend is a mortal sin, and you will burn in hell forever if you are not shreaved.

More: Evil Wedding Coordinator action.......More: Ignore the Caterer Who Does This All The Time Because You Are Too Fabulous.....

A quick note about Groom-zillas:

Am I being sexist: what a pleasure!

Our first groomzilla was years back. The Bride was a USDA, diamond-hard Bride-zilla From Hell. Actually, Chicago, but nevermind. We were competing against The Bio-tch Club for the wedding , and clearly my suggestion to serve lemonade in paper cups to arriving guests torpedo-ed me at the get-go.

The groom like me, though. And booked the rehearsal dinner for Holman Ranch on the Friday before.

Months went by....and clearly the whole paper cup thing had swept Chicago like Mrs. O'Leary's fire, and not a word was heard.

The Tuesday before The Grand Event I got a phone call from Groom Boy: "Is everything OK for Friday?"

"Uh.....who is this? Groom Boy? Bio-tch Club Wedding Groom Boy? Uh, sure......"

"What do I need to do?"

"Mastercard or American Express?"

So, we pulled the rehearsal together for him. Amex card in hand I ordered everything and we knocked their sox of......White Sox, of course.

My favorite was my centerpieces: Anne from Flowers, Ltd did centerpieces in black Chuck Taylor All-Star high top sneakers.......

It was the bomb. Our food was better, our servers hotter, WAY better flowers......and our bill was ten percent of the Bio-tch Club....

Eat your heart out, Bride-zilla!

Last Saturday we married off our attorney, Tom Nash, Esq. Tom did all the arrangements.

Tom is an actual Officer of the Court.......so the REAL stories will have to wait for non-NSA monitored environments like this one......but suffice it to say that he is a true hero of the working class schmoe. My favorite Tom Nash quote: "I like to taste bullies' blood!"

A glance around at the crew was enough to realize that many of us were either working off past misdeeds......or storing up for the future. The guests as well. At Tom's wedding, I didn't ask: "Friends of the bride....or friends of the groom?"........I asked everyone: "Criminal or civil?" The florist stared at me and said: " What do you mean?" so I knew she was a friend of the bride.

Tom and I talked for four minutes at The Masters of Food and Wine last February about the date. We met for 14 minutes two weeks before the wedding at the site. He gave me the start time: 1pm....kind of.

He gave me the count: 250. I asked about invitations: there weren't any. I asked about RSVP's. Nah. How do we know the count? "Just do 250. Make it nice. Shayla wants a real wedding cake. OK?"

That was it. We did a nice wedding. We know what to do, and we answered all 800 niggling questions that come up ourselves, without consulting anyone but our expertise and our desire to hit a home run for our hero.

And the envelope, please..........

I think it was God, breathing a sigh of relief: "Hook a brother up......not a single neurotic prayer from this motherfucker.......this guy is all right! Leaves the pro jobs to the pros! I think I will send some sun....and bake those fuckers who didn't come pre-baked......I bless this union!"

Imagine that!

On time, under budget, good time had by all......

That was it.

Viva Groom-zilla!