Thursday, April 10, 2008

The Most Influential People.....


Time Ragazine has an internet poll for the "100 Most Influential People of 2007".

I cancelled my subscription to Time after I realized that it takes me less time to read Time than it does the Monterey Herald.

"Monterey Herald" is an Esselen Indian term meaning: "marginally better than scabies for something to do."

For world news and opinion.....I like the Carmel Pine Cone. The Pine Cone has two actual functioning journalists.....Mary and Charyn. Reading the Pine Cone is in Journalism Land like going to the San Francisco zoo to look at the White Rhino. Who cares if they have to write about David Fink and wastewater management and Sue McCloud. It is fun to watch an obsolete craft at work. Kind of like Williamsburg, without the wimples.

Despite having cancelled my subscription to Time, and moved my funds to The Economist (a year of Time gets you a month of The Economist....which should tell you something)....the fucking thing keeps coming. That is one way to boost circulation! Meanwhile, The Economist takes all week to read and they are usually right.....which is really annoying. Why bother with journalism smarter than you are?

I started writing nasty letters to Time. They had an article about how great the cuisine on Singapore Airlines is because they have a German chef and they serve Chilean Sea Bass! The irony of their own article was lost on them: who better to oversee the tasty extinction of a species than a German......

Dr. "Sanjay Gupta"....which is Hindi for "Steppin Fetchit" wrote about bovine growth hormone and how it has not been proven to cause premature puberty in human females.....really. So Wal-Mart is probably dumb for opting out of hormone-laced milk and going for that silly organic thing. The dumb fuck missed the point that the rGbh is bad for the cows, not the people.....the poor swollen, staggering cow mommies have to be dosed with antibiotics just to stay alive long enough to produce subsidized excess quantities milk that gets turned into powder and stored in government warehouses until Charlton Heston returns from the dead....and isn't that fun for everyone. I can't see any medical or karmic or economic downside there!

Imagine someone further to the right than Wal-Mart.....

Sorry.....stop trying. Your brain might explode.

By the way, the fucking guy is on CNN as well. Sort of a Glenn Beck of Science.

What do they call the goat that leads the sheep in to slaughter?......I forget. Too much growth hormone and aluminum cookware.

Anyway, tonight Steven Colbert asked his fans to go to to vote for him as one of the 100 most influential humans of 2007. So I went.

I was thinking I could go there and vote for Feran Adria and Quique daCosta and David Kinch and Bennie Spiedel and really screw things up with.......reality.

No.....Time already picked the top 100. You just get to rank them.

This is an excercise that will cause you to experience violent moodswings.....Suicide? Hope? Serial murder? Peace on Earth? Naaaa...... Suicide as a race is the best option confronted with these facts.......

It turns out that I am genetically not susceptible to heroin as an addictor. Unlike Bill Clinton, I inhaled. Didn't work for me. Dammit! But......I could not stop taking the Time poll. It is lame, poorly organized, and woefully slow. Still, I hung in there until Jon Stewart...until Steven Colbert......until the Dalai Lama. I wanted someone to physically remove my fingers from the keyboard....but there was no love. I was trapped in an evil, demeaning vortex.

Even so, I did not make it to the end. There is not enough Gruet in the world.....

America is finished, if Time has any relevance at all.

For the first half hour of the poll, the highest ranking person is some chick named Ellen Page....???

Stephenie Meyer blows doors off Joyce Carol Oates and Noam Chomsky.

Who is Stephenie Meyer? She writes teenage vampire books. Dummy!

Perez Hilton outranks Obama and Hillary. And the Dalai Lama. Britney Spears blows them all out of the water.

There were some bright spots. Jon Stewart cleans out Obama, who cleans out Hillary. Bruce Springsteen beats them all.....and Arnold is a fader.

George Bush beats out the assistant art director for a magazine you have never heard of. Barely.

Oh....for last place.

David Sedaris beats A-Rod, the Pope and Arnold.

Alex Rigopulos and Eran Egozy beat out the Pope and Arnold. Who are Alex and Eran? Jesus, you guys....they designed "Guitar Hero"! We are talking INFLUENCE here!

Proof that there is some hope for civilization.....before I faded at the Dalai Lama, the highest ranking a big factor.....

Steven Colbert.

I guess I can take my head out of my Wolf, Union-made in America....oven.

For now.


Blogger Bennie Spiedel said...

Bennie Spiedel in the TIME top 100...gee thanks!

Now if I can just make some "walking around money" for being nominated.

Love & Peace


11:45 PM  
Blogger Lee said...

The korean pop sensation "rain" has once again stolen Colbert's thunder. I understand kimchi, but there is no accounting for musical taste. Unfortunately the internet is and always will be controled by prepubescent asian girls.

9:47 AM  

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