New Big Sur Fire...
Thank God this summer has been so merciful....but we are walking on thin ice. It is so dry that for me smoking salmon is a huge task.....the oak leaves and twigs ignite and burn in the presence of any heat, even in the absence of oxygen. I have a teenager with a mister sitting by the smoker, spraying away.
Rancho Rico is the source of one of the fires.
Rancho Rico is just before the Big Sur Bakery on the right and up the mountain....approximately where Mark Hudson ran over that poor girl last year.
We are hearing reports about a campfire started fire on Naciamento-Ferguson Road at the same time...but there is so far nothing on the thermal imaging satellite.
Naciamento-Ferguson Road is within arrow shot of Big Sur Kate....so if there was some action there we would know.
Love Big Sur Kate....and deferring all lawyer jokes....
And, by the way......Sheriff Kanalakis crashed the Barbara Boxer fundraiser we did in Monterey on Friday. He was super nice and sweet and complimentary to me. Weird and creepy given that whole "Sheriff C......." thing from last summer.
I mentioned our interaction to a couple of his deputies that were hauling off some of the few remaining Cachagua knuckleheads this weekend.
They said: "Duh....Election year." They did not seem stoked with old Sheriff Mike. Morale seems to be not actually high.
I am trying to be as kind as possible....since all these guys monitor this site.
Best take and hilarious ironic joke of the law enforcement year so far in our world:
The official Thomas Brothers Map Book that the Sheriff's Department uses.....lists Jamesberg as "Jonesberg".
Hey...we have only been there six years......Not long enough to have a town named for us.
Not to mention the whole "Jamesberg Ain't Cachagua" thing......
Probably they meant Buddy Jones......the awesome, much mourned and revered bass player and keeper of the World's Best Cheesecake Recipe.
The deputies, when Amanda pointed the hilarity of James vs. Jones out to them....
"No wonder dispatch has no clue what we are talking about when we call in from out here....."
This is the same outfit that dispatched units every day during the fire last year to Nason Road instead of Nason Ranch....where the Incident Command Post actually was.
One of the main knuckleheads hauled off today must remain nameless.....Or let us just call him "Roy". I got in huge trouble with the locals last summer for writing about how a Sheriff SUV bumped down the road past a place where Roy and some other knuckleheads were drinking beer and smoking a fatty. Roy was on probation...so the idea that he would be near beer or marijuana meant instant incarceration.
Meanwhile....no one in Roy's family has been more that two meters from both beer and marijuana for three or four generations......and that is not a bad thing.
The boys.....the modern incarnation of the Boys from Steinbeck and "Cannery Row" and "Tortilla Flats" tried to stop the Deputy from bouncing down an impassable road into certain doom. The Deputy assumed that their warning meant a huge meth lab or vast sensimilla field just around the turn.
He got stuck. And hiked back for help from The Boys.
I have a photo of Roy...behind the wheel of a Monterey County Sheriff SUV....prominently displayed next to the beer taps at The Store.
Sort of like a photo of Osama BL at the helm of a 747......
When our friend Sheyne....the best tree guy in Monterey County....had all the gasoline, oil, and hydraulic fluid syphoned from his rigs left at The Store.....suspicion immediately turned to "Ray".
"No. No. I just steal all the oil, gas and hydraulic fluid from all the County rigs left by the roadside. I would never steal Sheyne's....
The second knucklhead the Sheriffs picked up was "Ort"....
"Ort" is a former complete idiot. A sweet kid who was one of my soccer kids....and subject of one of my favorite soccer stories. No time for that now. Awful family....fell into the meth trap. Was justifiably arrested and jailed when the cops found him passed out on his couch with a two-year old playing with a 9mm or some such. I was the guy that called the cops.....And I still feel good about it.
While in jail...."Ort's wife had sex once with the Guinness World Record Biggest Idiot In The Universe. She thought that you couldn't get pregnant until you had had sex a few times with the same guy. Or something.
"Ort" meanwhile did his time...got out......reconciled with his wife, and fully accepted his new "son". Meanwhile, the kid is awesome somehow. And the couples' real son is beyond awesome. Must be the grandmother's genes. "Ort" is a highly skilled auto mechanic.....and he graduated from the Toyota school, worked at a local Valero successfully and graduated to become head mechanic at a big-time dealership in Salinas.
Auto mechanics are nothing to sneeze at. They get paid by the book.....what you are charged, less the dealer overhead. If the book says changing your carburetor takes three hours...you get charged three hours, and the mechanic gets paid for three hours work at $70 or $80 an hour.
If the mechanic can do the job in fifteen minutes.....he still gets paid for three hours....and you get charged. This is why in the worst job market in recent memory....a Toyota mechanic, or a wheel alignment guy, or a brake guy who knows ABS.....will be making $125k, easy. Sullivan Tires will be fucking Rossi Tires to steal their alignment guy.....
This is where "Ort" landed.
His mother-in-law landed him a sweet deal in a trailer near The Store and life was good.
He was eight days away from finishing his parole and probation.
Someone in the Sheriff's office noticed that he had not completed his Community Service part of his original sentence for being a knucklehead back in the day......so long ago none of us can even remember that guy that he was for that brief period of time.
The Community Service part of his sentence....in hours....turned out to be more the remaining eight days on his sentence.
Never mind that the guy had fixed an infinite number of cars and trucks for free for people in Cachagua so they could get to work, day-care, the doctor, the hospital, the vet......to Safeway, for chrissakes. "Ort" worked for free on cars so folks could get them running so that Officer Cocksucker could not have them hauled away for Abatement.
Nevermind that I am one of the folks who can assign people Community Service to satisfy their obligations.....and I have known this kid since he was 6.....and would gladly vouch for him if anyone had asked.
The second that "Ort's" Community Service hours were more than his remaining time on probation.......
THE FUCKING SHERIFF DROVE ALL THE WAY TO CACHAGUA ARRESTED HIM IN FRONT OF HIS CHILDREN ......AND HAULED HIM AWAY IN CHAINS.
If I had known this Friday when I poured a drink for Sheriff Kanalakis.....I would have pissed in his hat. More likely I would have pissed in his drink. The dumbfuck never would have known.
So, here in print.
Fuck Mike Kanalakis.....Sheriff Cunnilingus.
At the Boxer event Old Mike was all Peace-Love-Tie-Dye....but Mrs. K was bitter and gave me the look of death. Maybe there is something about my nickname for Old Mike that hits too close to home.
What a wretched excuse for a public servant. No control, no understanding, no concept of any of the basic goals of modern law enforcement. We had a huge hint last summer with his Dipshit Junior Dick Cheney Junior G-Man fake evacuation of people with no need of evacuation.....
Taking away a fully reformed, clean, sober, hardworking family man.....destroying his job and profession and family......
This is why the Republicans brought California to its financial knees.....
I can't disagree. Whichever bureaucrat followed "Ort's" case and caused this to happen, and is being paid by tax dollars to do this kind of work as a profession.....Jesus.
And.....Sheriff Kanalakis might be a nice guy.....but he is clearly clueless and an actual danger to each and all of us in his position as head of Monterey County law enforcement.....
But that is just me talking......